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I find it funny how some people just come and go in our lives. And i mean like they are always in our lives, just not constantly. Like almost as if they are so busy going in their own direction and you’re busy going in your own direction, but every so often you stop and check up on that other person. Just to make sure they are ok and then you’re back to your own life. That thought kinda makes me sad, especially when i think about how much that other person meant to me at one point. But it also leaves me with some weird sense of security. That no matter what happens, at the right (sometimes wrong) times, he’ll come back into my life to make me smile and then be on his way. So we’ll live like that, like strangers. We’ll say hi in passing, he’ll apply for college and do amazing in academics, and I’ll audition and make something out of my life. And every so often we’ll check up on eachother. Just like that…
“When it comes to relationships… maybe we’re all in glass houses and shouldn’t throw stones. Because you can never really know. Some people are settling, and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies…”- Carrie Bradshaw
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Today something really hit me. Its that you really do have to work to keep a relationship. Whether its your significant other or you best friend. Both require love, time, dedication, trust, etc. And when one of these things are missing, or theres too much of one thing. The relationship goes into danger mode. and if you dont recognize the problem soon enough, its enough to break the relationship. And while all of that sounds like thats easy enough to fix, theres another aspect to it. Its what your heart and your gut says. If the relationship is hitting a rough patch, you have to look in your heart for the answer to this. To whether the relationship is worth working for, or if you should just leave it. Most of the time, the relationship is worth working for. This is why a lot of relationships fail. Because the work required is too much. But on rare occasions, sometimes it really is best to leave the relationship. To start over with someone else. To leave the past behind.
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Today I wanted to write something different than what i usually do. I wanted to write a letter to someone who had a huge impact on my life and i don’t think she ever really knew how much she meant to me. Marge looked after the kids of St.Marys primary school after class was over until our parents picked us up (in afterschool care program). In grand tyra style, when we moved it was quite abrupt and i didnt properly say goodbye because i assumed that we would see eachother very soon. But i lost touch with her. So i dont konw if she will ever see this letter, but i need to write it.
How are you? Its been a long time since we last talked or saw eachother. The last time you saw me i was a little 5th grader in a checked dress and short hair. Remember? I pretty much still look the same except im a little taller, i have longer hair, more insecurities and dimples. No boyfriend, i promise. Im in 11th grade now. and my parents are divorced. thats pretty much whats happened since we last saw eachother.
I miss you looking after us at after school care. We were quite the colorful bunch. Those were the best years of my life. I really miss those days of coming to after school care. it was like my second home. There were a lot of memories made there. I remember Stephanie and i used to get into fights all the time and you’d have to break it up. It was funny because towards the end of my years with you, Steph and i became really good friends.
Anyway, i guess ill get to the point of my letter. I just wanted to say thank-you. You taught me so much that i still carry on to today. You were the best role model someone could ever have. You taught me how to like myself. and how to be a kind person. That’s hard to find now-a-days. You made me feel at home and comfortable in my skin. When i get sad, i always go back to those days when i had you to come to after a long day at school. You were the best councillor, teacher and second mother i could ever ask for. Thank you so much for giving me all these life lessons that mean so much to me. i could never repay you for those years…
Day 78: Lately it’s been hard for me to keep up with well, life. Everything’s moving fast. And I can’t stop it. Whether I like it or not. So I guess in that situation, the best thing you can do is smile, do all you can and hope that with a good attitude and an open heart that things will work out for the best. Apparently they really do.
Day 77: The past few days have been less than great. Actually. I’m gonna be real with you, they sucked. I slipped back into the person I never wanted to be again. I really lost myself. I just feel like everyone’s life is moving somewhere and mine isn’t. And from that point things just kept going down. I started picking myself apart and hating myself more than I ever have. So as of now, I’m changing this deadly circle. I’m breaking the old habits of my self bullying and my self loathing. I have to start building a self esteem that never existed. I’m done holding myself back. “As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a girl will find herself a little bit lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and keep going”- Carrie Bradshaw
I wish insecurities didnt exist. Or at least that people wouldnt point out what i already know. I just think back to the week in 8th grade when some girls decided to pick on me about my looks, and after that, things were never the same. I havent been able to smile at someone in the hall the same. But i think somewhere along the line, when the bullies stopped, the bully inside me took over and hasnt given me a break since. So how do you get rid of the bully when they live inside of you? Do you just learn to accept it?
“Think of all the beauty still left around you and be happy.”
― Anne Frank
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Sometimes you have to be your own hero. You have to pick yourself up. Dust yourself off and get back at whatever is keeping you from happiness. You have to do these things for yourself because sometimes people come to you for these things and you give it to them but when you need a little love in return you get unanswered texts or insensitive replies. You give so much and in the process you unconsciously give parts of yourself to those people. Then one day you look around and realize you’ve given everything…
Start this week off with the thought that this is going to be an amazing 7 days. Keep your head up. Keep smiling. Show the world you’re so much more stronger than anything that can go against you. You got this.
“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.”
― Neil Gaiman
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