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Day 93:
har·mo·ny
des·ti·ny
- The events that will necessarily happen to a particular person or thing in the future.
- The hidden power believed to control what will happen in the future; fate.
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Day 92:
On November 19th, 2012 at exactly 11:04am I deleted you out of my life. the rare two pictures of us were erased from the memory banks in my phone and you cell number became a random sequence of numbers. On June 17, 2013 at exactly 7:48pm I stumbled across one of the deleted pictures in my inbox. In the time between those months, so many things have changed. I no longer wait on your every move. I no longer look for you in hallways. I no longer think of you when I can’t sleep. In fact, you’d be the reason I can’t sleep. I won’t venture to call you a mistake but more a lesson. When you left, you took the old me with you and in those months from when i deleted you to now, I found a better me. So you can keep the old me, you’ll need her when you’re lonely at night or when you need a reason to smile, you can at least think of her and how she liked you intensely. See, the new me has outgrown you. This new me knows she can get through everything. This new me knows life goes on without you.
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Day 91:
The past few days have been really rocky for me. Everything fell apart, but the strange thing is, is that maybe everything did need to fall apart again in order to properly move on. That way I could put life together the way I wanted it. I wish I could tell you that somehow I ended up with the guy, with the friends and with the dream come true but that hasn’t happened yet. YET. It will, just give it time. What I took away from it is that maybe life falls apart when something bigger and better is about to come along. Like its a way for you to analyze things in smaller pieces so you can get rid of the negative and let the positive in. No matter what happens to me, I think if i can take something from the experience then i haven’t loss. Maybe i might even win one day….
Day 90:
So much is changing. We get caught up in the changes rather than looking around and appreciating the unchanged. Today it really hit me. Walking around my school in the middle of english, alone. The same school that I’ve spent 90% of the last three years at. Each wall was lined with memories. Like walking around the place for the first time, when everything was so big. Or the time my old friend and I were at school till midnight for musical rehearsal, and we snuck out and ventured the dark, lonely halls. Or when I was on the verge of failing American History and I ran out of the room crying and my best guy friend ran out and comforted me. It all just hit me, all at once. I have changed, I still am changing. But the school stayed the same. It was the same drama hallway I had spent most of my sophmore year in. It was the same bathroom I did my make up in before i got on stage. It was the same room where I learned more about myself than about anything else. Everything was the same but it was different all at once. That’s when I realized, that as much as i just want to get up and get out of here, the school won’t always be there to break my fall. At some point I’d have to move on and leave my safety net behind.
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Day 89:
My mother used to say to me “ask and you shall receive”, at the beginning years of my life this saying was peachy, but she failed to mention how as we grow older, somethings are best left undiscovered. That maybe it was better to live with your assumptions rather than the actual facts because sometimes the actual facts and crumble you. I should have prepared myself for the real facts about him. Somewhere in my heart, I knew he didnt like me and i was just someone to play with when he was bored. But its that damn glimmer of hope that made me hold on so long. And the worst part is, the longer you hold on, the more of yourself you lose when you let go….
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Day 88:
Life has been crazy recently. I bet you can tell from my lack of writing. But its been a learning experience too. I’ll catch you up to what’s been happening…
Where to start… oh yeah, how about prom. Prom season JUST ended for my school. The weeks leading up to it were a roller coaster. And I mean, if you like prom, those weeks are amazing, but if you don’t, it could be a little… bittersweet. I think you see people true colors in this week. Or do you. Maybe they just hide behind the masks that people give them, but either way that still says something about that persons personality. For me, prom was nothing special (hopefully only just for this year). Yep, you guessed it, I didn’t get asked. I was really upset about it too, not that I’d admit it though. Still, somehow, with the help of my friends, I was able to make the day special anyway. The Post-Prom party at my school was amazingly fun until the last 15 minutes of it, then everything crumbled. Since that day, it’s been really rocky. I’ve been fighting the urge to fall for a trap that I’ve gone through for the past few months, it’s a circle and I know how this story ends(crying on my bathroom floor). But I can’t help but wonder why i always go back to this story. Why do I think that this time it may be different? Maybe its because in some sick, twist of fate, we cannot leave eachother alone and each time we talk again, it feels like the spark gets another boost. Sometimes I wish I knew how this story ends because at this point, it’s all or nothing. It’s we stay in eachothers lives or we just totally move on 110%….
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Day 86: Life Advice from a girl in a horse mask…
- drink water
- take your vitamins
- allow yourself a break
- don’t touch new piercings
- don’t touch old heartbreaks
- eat… Healthy, junk food, whatever. Just eat.
- smile (if you can’t smile think of the girl in a horse mask)
- write things down
- dont let people tell you your goals are too big
- run, daily
- know who your friends are
And… Of course wear a horse mask once in a while…
“Life is a song - sing it. Life is a game - play it. Life is a challenge - meet it. Life is a dream - realize it. Life is a sacrifice - offer it. Life is love - enjoy it”
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Day 85:
Here’s an update from my happiness journey so far…
Lately, I’ve been happy. Despite my parents cutting down my dreams, my friends either being super depressed or super angry, and school. No sarcasm, I am seriously happy. I couldn’t tell you why. It started after a huge breakdown last Sunday. To put it lightly, lets just say the breakdown was caused by an ugly habit of comparing myself to others. But as I was lying on my bathroom floor, crying, alone. My friend texted me a quote about being beautiful and then i went on twitter and my timeline was full of quotes about getting better and happy. I feel like that was God’s way of telling me that its time to get back up again. I feel like everything is in agreement and is telling me to get back up, so here i go…. AGAIN
“Someday I’ll be able to look back on today and be grateful for being strong. But today, I’m just trying to keep my strength up to make it to tomorrow”
*To my followers that have different religious views, i dont mean to offend anyone, this is simply my story, i dont write a lot a bout my religion on here anyways, i love everyone*
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Day 84:
The beauty about going through a rough time is that the first time you experience it, you gain wisdom. The second time you experience it, it still sucks as much, but the second time, you know deep down you have the strength to get through it. It makes you kinda bulletproof. Untouchable. Titanium.
When you realize you’re entering a hard time, I guess all you have to do is look yourself in the mirror. And remind yourself what you’ve been through and how you can get through it better than ever. Who knows, maybe you wont even have to do it alone. Just look around, life has a funny way of surprising those who actively participate.
“This is what I believe to be true: You have to do everything you can and if you stay positive you have a shot at a silver lining.”- Silver Linings Playbook
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